How do I start this…. a lot of shit has gone down in my life in the past few months….. a smashed elbow via a gnarly fall in my skater, a snuffed out robbery attempt of ya boi, hallucinations out in these empty roads at 2am, extortion all over the place, and honestly a ton more that we’ll have to save for a rainy day. It has been a movie… a movie I’ve been writing for years but then that all came crumbling down when my computer got jacked by some sneaky tweakers a few days ago. You can take a lot of things from me but snagging my computer is devastating. It’s honestly my everything and now I have so much personal shit tied up into that laptop. We’re talking lots of my ideas turned into art… you truly don’t know what you got until it’s gone and trust me… my computer is gone and part of me died inside with losing it….
Coming off the klonnies cold turkey was the f’n lamest. I never would have come up off some benzos cold turkey… my buddy is an OG EMT and we’ve talked a lot about withdrawal effects he sees out when treating drug addicts. I also had a few people reach out to me who had come off the klonnies in the past. and for anybody keeping score, this wasn’t my first time coming off of klonnies. This one was just forced on me without me being able to do anything about it.
I talked with mental health professionals (and “professionals” for some) who literally told me I would need to use a razor blade to shave off my dosage little by little as I weened down in months 3 - 6 of my ween down sesh. Even the bottoms of pills say, “withdrawal symptoms include feeling like bugs are crawling underneath your skin”… oh word?? sick. So while I was lucky enough to not experience the feeling of some bugs crawling under my skin, I did really go through some shit coming off of these pills. Did I want to stop taking the pills? Absolutely. Would I have ever gone cold turkey off of the benzodiazepines? Never. But one of my mental health professionals was a manipulative fuck who took my last refill of Klonopin and switched it up on me to Zoloft when I already had a 3 week supply. So there I was in Visalia, CA at an Airbnb looking at 2 bottles of Zoloft pills and no klonnies… so then and there I started my downfall. A downfall not many know about because many people look at you differently when you drop some shit on them. It was rough… it still is rough… it will continue to be rough at 2:13am trying to keep my mind spinning in positive directions because if I don’t, that Micro Machine goes right into a wall….
I lost my motor skills for a few days which was a trip. Tried to ride my skateboard and I could barely even walk… I was a vegetable in bed for a couple of days. Have you ever just left your cell away in a drawer for 2 full days? That’s what I did recently. It wasn’t by design either… I just couldn’t function. I couldn’t open my computer… I couldn’t look at a screen… I didn’t have an appetite. I couldn’t move much… couldn’t drive… could barely walk unless I had my hand on a wall. So I just stayed in bed for 2 whole days… not the type of stay in bed where you recharge the batteries… I was looking for my batteries fam… don’t think I’ve ever found them but I’ll find them at some point….
When I finally felt like I was stabilizing, the last thing I wanted to do was go on my phone… go on my computer… look at my Outlook… look at my Zoom. Listen to my voicemails… read my texts. I just wasn’t ready for what life has become in 2024. While I was struggling with health and having every dark thought imaginable……….
FAM… I was fucked up. I am fucked up. You should see the way some neighbors look at me. It’s actually comical at everybody judging books by covers yet failing to read and/or look to see what’s inside. I also network for a living so do you have any idea what getting back to somebody looks like when you’re the plug? I’m a techie (tekkie?) and my work exposing weaknesses in software programs aka spiking algos has made me a target. A target for hackers (shout out to the fucks who stole my IG/FB and all of my data last year), a target for tech founders who want to leverage my influence in the digital community for their own financial gain. I know that’s probably over your head but this is why I stay on my phone alllllll the time… It’s exhausting. I don’t want to talk this much! On top of where I’ve gotten to, the snakes in the grass really pop up when ya boi is cooking… but now my years in the game has given me the vision to carry the liquid swords at all times. But I also have those Franklin batting gloves in the back pocket ready to backhand the fuck out of somebody if I have to… yeah… I know… I got some anger issues I have to go look into that now….
on top of all this hustling to try to get a backyard in San Diego. Sure thing… let me go take some deep breaths when I gotta go get another new fuckin job to try to stay afloat in this upside down economy. you know I go 0 to 1000000 real quick right…. Well then… you’re going to enjoy the next few months… YOU OWE US WITH INTEREST drops on August 30th…. With each single you’ll see a piece of me….
For weeks, I was sleeping 3 hours a night and waking up between 12:30am - 2am… from there I’d be up for the day… but dog… if I DM or text somebody back at these weird hours then they will feel a certain way about me. They might question why I’m up and why I’m messaging them… let me tell you something… do you know what it’s like wandering the streets with bipolar 2 and off the meds??? Do you know what hallucinations are like? Do you know the feeling when people are out to rob you and hang you off the fuckin roof of your apartment complex if money isn’t paid in a few hours? I stayed walking my apartment complex because I wasn’t about to let threats become reality… and nah… timmy ain’t crazy… timmy watches the throne at all times.
About a month ago, I was walking up and down my apartment complex crying uncontrollably but trying not to wake neighbors up because they already think I’m a drug dealer or am flat out crazy… that morning I saw 2 pterodactyl like shadows in the near distance like 15 feet above my head coming directly at me. I curled up in a ball in the middle of the street at 2am crying because of these monsters trying to get me. Then I saw the huge shadows sit on the palm trees right next to where I was and they were just looking at me. Looking at me in a way where I was forced to look at them and try to wonder what they’re thinking about me… do those last few lines sound a bit crazy to you? well… that’s what my psych was doing to me to fuck with my head.
I had lost my shit. It was terrifying seeing a nightmare come to life but that was my life… I also saw a glitchy type large bobcat followed by a real bobcat walking in my apartment complex but then they quickly disappeared… that shit was crazy too… felt like I was in the matrix over here. These hallucinations and visions aren’t for the faint of heart. They haunt you and make it even harder for you to sleep.
My life hasn’t been easy lately. But everybody seems to have opinions about your boy. It’s rough when I can’t defend myself too. And again, if you think I’m talking about you, you’re being selfish. I had everybody coming out of the woodworks telling me what I should do like it’s a quick fix. I wish it was that easy but I understand… mental health isn’t understood. People will all talk about being mindful and meditating and shit but tell me how that helps you when a dude is coming straight toward you packing heat and ready to do something… that’s real life right there my man… try walking through your friend’s apartment full of blood only to see somebody you once knew lying motionless in his bed. Please do have an opinion about me because you couldn’t handle having a screaming match outside of an apartment complex while waiting for cops who took a fuckin hour and a half to show the fuck up. I’m not mad at you either… I’m mad at the health care system. I’m mad at the substance abuse position some are in battling demons. I’m mad because help ain’t easy to find and the way we were all raised doesn’t embrace saying your weak… it doesn’t embrace grown men crying tears for fears just trying to find answers in life… Everybody is fucked up and I’m a magnet for peeps needing a mental fix.
I’m doing a lot better now but I still wake up before 3am most mornings. I’m trying to work on myself and I’m making strides. But along the way I’m disheartened to know that people think I’m unstable. I’m still sensitive little Timmy with the headphones who always shows the biggest smile but deep inside he’s crumbling. I’m crumbling because while I am super fucked up at times, I’m not broken. And let me clarify this… what does super fucked up mean? It means in the mind…
This story could go on and on but I’ll save the stories for another day. This story isn’t about me either… it’s about you. I love you so much and know life is hard. I just want you to know that you’ll never have a friend like me…
Here’s the most important piece of this article. EVERYBODY IS FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW. Me, you, all of us. We’re all riddled with depression… flooded with grief… crippled by anxiety… we have anger issues… we have substance abuse issues… we’re all fucked up… and we’re all running from something we don’t know about…. So I’ll just say this… call your friend… go see your friend… go give your friend a hug… go give your significant other a warm embrace and just then just let them know you’ll always be here for them.
Life is too short… please address things you got going inside of you. Please be vulnerable… please be real… because if we don’t attack these mental health issues straight on, it’s death on the other side… just being real with you. I can’t lose any of you but I can’t help you all. If you are having mental issues in any way, hit me up… I’ve been in the game for as long as Lebron…. I want to see you get better. I gotta do better as well.
and now the music….